20s and Checking for Rings: Dating Has Become Even More Complicated!

Image via lovesites.com.

There was this cute guy in my friends’ circle. Totally my type. Turned out to be married.

Then I met two other cute guys through work circles. Both married.

Saw a cute guy on the bus. As close as you can get to Keanu Reeves in real life. Then I saw it. The Ring!

....

What the ….? When did everyone get married? And I am only 26. Surely the majority of the guys I meet shouldn’t be married???

Dating used to be easier when we were younger. I am not saying it was easy, just easier. All we needed to know was whether the guy we liked a) had a girlfriend b) if not, were we his type?

In our 20s (especially when we are getting closer to 30), we still need the answer to a. But unfortunately, unlike high school where we almost always knew if he was attached, in adult lives it is harder to detect.

Not every guy advertises his relationship status on Facebook. Not every guy uses Facebook. Not every guy mentions his girlfriend when you first meet him. Not every guy wearies a wedding band.

Oh yes, now we have to check for the ring. If he is not wearing any, it doesn’t mean he is not married. Not all married guys start their sentences with “My wife and I….” So before we can even think that guy is our type, we have to check the finger first. If the ring is there, we move on . (The nice and romantic females do, anyway. Some women do dig married men. Though I’ll never know why…).

If the ring isn’t on, and we have friends in common, it takes a little bit of research. I say research, because you can’t go and blatantly ask anyone if he is attached, as it makes it a bit too obvious that you are interested. No need to make things awkward in your social circle. So you use your resources, Google a bit, dig into the social media world. And of course there are still men out there who haven’t mentioned their wives not because it hasn’t come up, but because they are genuinely trying to hide it. So you are just going to have to be a good judge of character and behavior, and if you do notice iffy things, you will need to kick his ass.

Oh boy…not only we need to do research, and pay attention to detail, we might even have to pull a little Patrick Jane on our dates. Remember the cool guy from The Mentalist TV series who can tell all crucial details about a person’s life and personality within a short time of meeting them.

When did dating become even harder? And why do men keep getting married in their mid-20s? What’s up with the baby fever? What happened to enjoying single life, dating and meeting lots of other singles? Dating becomes very challenging if all attractive guys you meet are already taken. Oh well…. Good luck to all of us who want some genuine romance and fun along the way. May we meet some truly single guys that are fun, honest and nice….

How do you take your relationship: Open or Closed?

* Yes, I know that there isn't technically a term called "closed relationship". But else (short) thing can we call  a good, old, regular relatioship?

 

I once heard in an interview that Gene Simmons (lead singer of rock band KISS) was in an open marriage with his wife. Well, I am sure that was a necessity. No, I am not being sarcastic. With all the groupies and the fans, it is only fair that he was honest about stuff and that she had as chance to be with other people as well. It doesn’t sound very romantic but hey, it certainly beats the situation of finding out you have been lied to for a decade or something.

Where did this suddenly come up? I was watching House’s 18th episode in season 6 and it turned out the female patient was having an open marriage. I was like Whoa! I mean, the concept of an open relationship is tricky enough. But having an open marriage? And for an ordinary, non-celebrity couple? But hey, these things happen in real life too so I thought I would come here and discuss the subject with you.

I am all for romance and monogamy and loyalty. And I can’t stand cheating or being cheated on in any relationship. In fact, I am as harsh about it as it gets. It doesn’t matter whether you have been together for ages or that you have kids. If a partner cheats, he/she has to go. So yes, I believe all cheaters need to get a kick in the ass. The alternative to cheating? Talk to the person you are with! Tell them you have feelings for someone else. It might be harsh and upsetting but it sure beats getting stabbed in the back. 

What if that person doesn’t want you to leave? What if he/she wants you to stay even though you might stray? That’s their choice. If both parties are open and honest about it and monogamy is something they can overlook, hey, it is their choice. But at least the partner got a say in the matter.

So if you asked me who I would respect more- a person in an open relationship or a person who cheats, I’d say open relationship. I don’t have to approve it but I appreciate the honesty. Would I wanna be in one? I don’t think so. But would I rather be with a guy who confronted me about his issues about monogamy than a hypocrite? Yeah, absolutely.

What do you think? Would you like to be in an open relationship?

Why Is Everyone (Getting) Married?

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    I am not against mariage, let's start with that. It is a lovely concept;  if you have found someone you are sure you would like to spend your lifetime with- someone who you are madly in love with and the person feels the same about you. Someone you can joke around with, be yourself with and someone you love because they are who they are; not despite  who they are.

But I find it really hard to believe that so many people found that person in their early/mid 20s. And that the majority of the married couples in late 20s/early 30s are considering making babies. Whoa! Will everyone slow down for a minute? When did all this happen? I am in my mid 20s and definitely not opposed to romance and passion and some casual flirtation thrown in for good measure... But marriage??? Children??? In-laws??? Calling your partner's parents "Mom" and "Dad"??

I am in the process of finding out a  plan to make my dreams come true, to gain true financial independence  and to just go crazy and all that. I am not saying I don't want to find someone. But right now, I don't want to go into that forever business. Even if  this amazing person comes along and happens to be as nuts as I am and have similar dreams and such, we wouldn't get married. Not now!!! I mean come on!!!!

And it is alright if he doesn't appear in these chapters in my life. Oh of course I complain about being single. But what I am really whining about is that I don't have enough fun with the opposite sex. I don't have numbers to call when I want to party all night and dance until dawn. I don't get to meet hot strangers a lot. There lies my concern.

I think that being in a serious relationship is a big deal! Moving in right away is totally unnecessary and very scary. So how come are people so eager to jump into marriage?

It starts about during the last year(s) of university. Friends/friends of friends start to get married. But the number isn't that large. Then you graduate and invitations start piling up. People barely out of college talk weddings and budgets and all that. You take a job and your boss who is not even 10 years older than you, is married and is considering having a baby. Oh and by boss, I mean a guy who co-runs a music site and deals with studios and bars and all that. I meet long- haired, metal-loving guys who look like they came straight out of a 90s Metallica concert and see rings on their fingers.

When did everyone get married? Ok, so maybe- it is not that big of a stretch for 35 year-olds being married but people in their 20s? What's up with that? The wedding dresses, furniture hunting? Surely not all of these people found their soulmate?

I don't mean to be cynical. I am sure there are a lot of actual feelings and "eternal bliss" involved. But I also believe that the overworking biological clocks and the seeming convenience of marriage have increased the numbers.

People should acknowledge the fact that not everyone has to be married and/or have a baby. It sucks if people are doing it because they think it is time or because they get to have regular sex. It sucks if they are doing it because they parents would rather have them tie the knot than have them live together...

I am a romantic of the worst kind. But I also am addicted to excitement and adventure and discovery. I am thinking there will be guys in my life who get me. Until that happens, I will enjoy the ride of singledom. And I sure as hell won't get married because it is just so "in", or rent is cheaper or all my friends are doing it!!!

Arrogance in the Opposite Sex: Turn on or Turn off?

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When I was 18, I had a huge crush on a friend’s classmate. It wasn’t that he was earth-shatteringly good-looking. He was just exactly my type. In addition to being tall and cute, he also had this charming, down-to-earth attitude about him that I really liked. He wasn’t full of himself.

Nearly a decade later, a lot of things have changed in my life but my taste in men still remains the same.  Now, I don’t have anything against drop-dead-gorgeous guys. In fact, I welcome them. My problem is with guys – gorgeous or not- who are too in love with how they look. You know the type: the one that makes you want to sing Too Sexy from Right Said Fred.

Remember how that song went? Too sexy for my shirt/too sexy for this party/….

In case you don’t know or remember this hilarious song from the 90s, check out the video.

So I don’t know about you, but arrogance is a major turn-off for me. Mind you, I am not saying confidence. Confidence rocks…unless it makes me want to sing from Right Said Fred…

For instance, my favorite romantic comedy movie character ever is Jack (played by Bill Pullman) in While You Were Sleeping. Jack is nice, honest, fun and good-looking in a classic sort of way. I have always found Bill Pullman cute, charming and handsome but my favorite Pullman character is Jack- both with his looks and character. You see, Jack has flaws; but they only make him more likable. And he is not in lust with himself.

So among all the romantic films I’ve seen, that’s why Pullman’s Jack does it for me. He is just adorable.

If I need to give more fictional examples, I prefer Stefan over Damon (The Vampire Diaries), Matt over Tyler (still Vampire Diaries) and Sam over Dean (Supernatural. Remember the first 2 seasons when Sam was sort of shy?)..I guess you got my point.

But what about you? Does arrogance turn you on? Off? Or you don’t really care?

Who are your favorite arrogant/humble fictional characters?

If Opposites Really Attract, Are You Golden or Just Screwed?

You know how the saying goes: opposites attract. Frankly, I'm allergic to it because I haven't been once been attracted to a guy whose personality is a complete opposite of mine. But many men I am attracted to aren’t attracted to me, but to girls with pretty much they have nothing in common. So if this saying has a point, I am totally screwed.

I’m talkative, energetic, full of-life, a romantic and a dreamer. I am also really passionate and fun-loving. I value honesty and loyalty. So how can I possibly be attracted to a guy who is really quiet, shy and introverted? Or anti-social? Or to a guy who is a total jerk?  Or to a square guy who lacks imagination and passion?

Something New poster via celebritywonder.com

This article was originally inspired by the movie Something New starring Simon Baker. In the movie, Simon Baker’s character Brian pretty much represents everything I want in a guy. Yes, I think Simon always looks great with his wavy blonde hair. And I would pretty much give up heels (I am 5’9”, Simon is 5’10”) for a guy like that. And I talked about how we can be attracted to different looking guys so let’s get to the real issue: personality and how he treats the girl.,

Brian is a landscape architect. He used to be a copywriter at an advertising agency but he hated it. So he is educated but his dreams are more important than fat paychecks. He is smart and independent enough to run his own business. He’s also impulsive, fun-loving, cute, easy-going and social. Add romantic and loyal to the bunch. Yes, Brian is awesome.   

 

Cut to his love-interest Kenya- who is meticulous, well-planned, who is a workaholic, a little conservative, a little biased, a little racist (she is black, Brian is white). She has a very hard time letting go and she is not always easy to be around. Now, if you want to know what the movie is all about, how they meet and how they hook up and everything, you can read the review here: Something New starring Simon Baker.

But the issue on this post is not romantic comedies, Simon Baker or racism. It is if we are attracted to people who are similar to us or different than us. And I am pretty much like a female Brian. The only difference is that I am a writer. Oh, and I want a romantic, easy-going guy who is not prejudiced about stuff.

Mind you, there will always be differences and things in common. And I am aware of that. What we are talking about is core characteristics and outlook on life.

So if guys’ minds work like Brian’s in real world, I really am screwed. How about you? Tell me your stories about being attracted to guys- how they were similar to or different from you!

Why This Gal Would Make a Great Dad

The title came to me, mostly because of the old-fashioned breed of dads who believe that they are supposed to bring home the bacon, while the mother should be doing the housework and taking care of the child(ren). Even if the women are working, these men expect that she should be the one dealing with the chores and all the work that comes with having a kid. Some men help out a little but they are much more interested in playing with the baby and setting some rules rather than deal with the negative, and more tiring (and not to mention tedious!) stuff.

Yeah, there are some dads who share full responsibility, and there are even men who prefer to be stay-at-home dads while women pursue their careers. But these are the exceptions. 

My mom left work when I was 2, missing me too much to leave me to my grandmother’s care during the week. Frankly, there are times when she wishes she never left. And growing up, I was half-grateful, half-resentful that she had left her career. Some aspects of being at home full-time made her miserable and while she’s been a good friend and a good mom, our relationship wasn’t always easy. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend who shares many of my views when it comes to romance and having kids. Although she is not dying to have a baby, she worries that she might regret it later when she is old – which reminds me that I forgot to add this to the wrong reasons to have a kid list. 

There is no guarantee your kid will turn out all nice and sweet and he won’t check you in to a retirement home the first chance he gets. Even if your kid didn’t check you into a retirement home, there is no guarantee she won’t move to another continent or that she will outlive you. 

OK- these grim thoughts aside, it is an incredibly selfish notion, if you're having a baby just so you won’t be alone later in the future. You should have babies only if you are ready to take on all the risks, as well as the emotional and financial responsibilities that come with the territory. And remember, the ability to love unconditionally is a must.

Knowing all this, my friend is still torn between having a kid in 5-10 years and having no kids at all. We’ll see what the future brings but she thinks that she would also make a great dad.
The feminist in her (and by feminism, I mean believing both sexes are equal) thinks that women should have the option to deal with their careers while men take care of the baby. But  while the thought is appealing to a certain degre, the reality is much more complicated. Why should any individual – man or woman- give up on his/her dreams and ideals? Or make ultimate sacrifices?

The best thing to do is to know yourself and see if you have what it takes. Frankly, I don’t. I am too selfish, idealistic and passionate to take the passenger seat to my own life. So while I do have the potential to be a dad in the old-fashioned sense, I am not made to be a parent.

So, how about you? Do you have the guts, means and the personality fit for one job that you can never retire from?

Recommended:

When You Know You Are Not Ready For Kids

11 Wrong Reasons to Have Kids